Sibling Rivalry

About Sibling Rivalry

While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!)

Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is born, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As kids reach different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another.

It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your kids fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and help your kids get along.
Why Kids Fight

Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting gets. These include:

* Evolving needs. It's natural for kids' changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they'll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older child may react aggressively. School-age kids often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one child gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way kids fight with one another.
* Individual temperaments. Your kids' individual temperaments — including mood, disposition, and adaptability — and their unique personalities play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one child is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a child who is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.
* Special needs/sick kids. Sometimes, a child's special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other kids may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's happening to the other child.
* Role models. The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your kids see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

reprinted from: www.KidsHealth.org

Can Siblings Work Out Differences Between Them on Their Own?

Today is a wonderful day. The sun in shining outside and my daughters are enjoying breakfast and arguing about playing with dolls, even now as I write. I consider it, "getting to know my sister time." They can and do work out many of their differences even now as 4 and 9 year-olds--on their own. They are learning about each other through these arguments and establishing the foundation for their adult relationship with each other. Do you break up arguments with your children? Do you encourage/make them apologize when they have caused harm to their sibling?

I have a lot on my plate. I started law school in January. I am mother of 2 girls. I am married to a wonderful man for 19-years and I am looking for work. I am also training for the LA Marathon and organizing a family reunion and publishing books....Gee, that makes my head swim! I have always been a juggler. Juggling is a big part of who I am--I just want to be sure I am juggling the right balls. Ya know?

I am grateful for it all though. I am glad to have the opportunity and the guts to challenge myself with these things at my age....

Today during pick up with the girls --I am putting on my own positive attitude and love and encouragement. I think we will do a group mediation and yoga activity when we 1st get home. Just to connect with each other and share and love ---I have noticed that my girls (like me), sometimes wear a different face in public. When they get home they exhale and let out all of the feelings they couldn't handle for the day. In the past I have exhaled by zoning out on tv or food. Today I am learning to connect to God, pray, meditate and share to process those feelings. I want to teach this to my girls too, so they will have tools to work with when they grow up.

Afterschool Routines..

Today I picked my girls up and both had horrible attitudes. The eldest complained that today was math tutor. The 4-year old demanded donuts then to watch a movie. I lectured the older one about wanting to do well in math and asked her to think about how she felt when got a poor grade on a math test. I told her that if she wants to improve she has to put the time in and that she should adjust her attitude about math tutoring in order to really accomplish her goal of doing well in math. I told the baby girl no- donuts, no tv until homework is done. Now they are both laying on the den couches ---no tv, no music, just resting or pouting? I don't know. I do know there has to be a better way--or maybe not. Perhaps this is what 'raising' children is about. Should I be in there lecturing them or engaging them now while I am writing this blog? I 'don't know. What is your after-school routine? How do you deal with the attitude, moods of the children.